I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE SHORT SKETCH

“Sue Me!” 

Written by

Lola Draper  

Original Character Sketch- Taking it too far

By Lola Draper

A group of friends are at Thanksgiving Dinner (Lucy: Hostess, Edward: Host, Jason: Guest married to Linda, Linda: Guest married to Jason, Jeff: Guest and Cousin to Edward)

Lucy

*Edward is setting down the Turkey and Lucy is setting down the gravy on the dining table* 

Okay Guys! Happy Thanksgiving, sorry for the wait the turkey needed a couple more minutes!

Jason

Wow thank you so much that looks amazing

Linda 

Yes and thank you to Lucy and Edward for hosting us in your beautiful home

Edward

Oh it was no problem at all, we wanted all of you to celebrate with us our first Thanksgiving in this house! 

Jeff tries to grab a green bean slyly, and Linda who is sitting next to him notices and gives him a look and then looks to the hosts

Linda

Yeah and the only one before you have little ones crawling around. It looks like you're due any day now Lucy!

Lucy

I know I know! Our due date is in a couple of weeks and we can’t wait! Oh the wine!! Full on pregnancy brain, Edward could you run into the kitchen and grab the Pinot for our guests?

Edward

On it babes!

Edward gets up and goes into the other room. Jeff quickly sticks his finger in the mashed potatoes for a taste. Linda notices again and kicks him under the table. He sassily reacts

Lucy

We are so glad that this house was so new, it was so easy to baby proof!

Jason

Oh I bet. It took Linda and I ages to get the house ready for the twins!

Edward comes back in with the bottle and starts pouring everyone a glass. Jeff “slyly” grabs a roll and eats a bite turned away from the table.

Edward

Aw the twins! They have already grown up so fast, they are at your parents house right?

Jason

Yep! They are visiting Mimi and Pops for the break and because I couldn't get out of work, you hosting actually worked out really well for us

Jeff purposefully drops his napkin on the ground and shoves the rest of the roll in his mouth.

Lucy

Well we are so happy you're here with us, you too Jeff

Edward sets down Jeffs wine and pats his back as he is “grabbing the fork under the table”

Edward

Yeah Cuz! How’s the farm?

Jeff doesn't move and is trying to chew quickly

Edward

Cuz?

Jeff rises and speaks with his mouth full

Jeff

Oh it's great, squash season and all

Edward

Oh, are you eating?

Linda

He has been sneaking food for the past 10 minutes!!

Lucy

Oh okay, that's okay he's right lets eat this beautiful meal.

Jeff

Hold your horses Linda. Have I been sneaking food for the last twenty minutes? Yes! Did I stuff a roll into my mouth under the table? Yes. Do I have a handful of mashed potatoes in my hand. YES 

*Shows handful of mashed potatoes*

What are you gonna do Linda? I was hungry SUE ME Linda

Edward

Oh Jeff…

Linda

Why would you-

Jeff

SUE ME LINDA. I stuck my hand into the bowl of mashed potatoes. SUE ME.

Linda

I’m not going to sue yo-

Jeff

WOW Linda. Why don't you just take my whole farm if you're suing me?! Take it all!

Linda

I don’t want your farm Jeff I-

Lucy

It’s okay Jeff Linda isn't going to sue you. Maybe just go to the bathroom, calm down, wash your hands and I'll make you a plate for when you get back

Jeff

Okay, Okay

Jeff leaves the room and they quickly decide to move on and start serving the food. After a couple minutes, Jeff returns and sits down

Lucy

Go ahead and dig in everyone!

Jeff

WOW Lucy did you really just put me in that position? “DIG IN?” “DIG IN?” Lucy?!?!

Lucy

No Jeff I just meant we can start eating I didn't mean-

Jeff

“DIG IN” Lucy?!? That was so obviously a DIG about me grabbing a handful of those BLAND mashed potatoes well I actually didn’t go to the bathroom. I ate all those potatoes, licked my hand clean as I was on the phone with my lawyer so SUE ME ya fat cow.

Edward

WOAH Jeff you need to step back

Jeff

YEAH actually you both can sue me, you all can sue me because what's your case? That I OCCASIONALLY put my hand in a bowl of communal mashed potatoes? Good luck with the jury on that one.

Jason

Jeff STOP

Edward

Jeff I think you need to leave

Jeff

Fine! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Grabs two handfuls of potatoes as he storms out of the house 

Jason

Well…

Linda

Yeah…

Lucy turns to Edward

Lucy

We are not naming our son after him.